my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
