I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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