I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
