i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
