i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
