opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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