i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
