and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
