apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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