My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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