My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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