I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
