I hate your face
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Your cock deserves a montage
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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