If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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