omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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