I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
