Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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