Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
