He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
