Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
