I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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