I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
