So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
