I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
