??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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