I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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