1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
