meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
