Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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