Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
