We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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