Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.