Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals

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(941): View more from Florida

I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(281): View more from Texas

She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

...

(281): View more from Texas

Exactly.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.

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