Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
