Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
