I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
