I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
God I need to hump something, right now.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
