i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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