Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
