you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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