i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
