She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
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yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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