How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
