wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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