I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
