there's paper in my vomit.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
