When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
