actually, I'm a sock model
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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