There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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