i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
