I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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