I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
