I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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