this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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