I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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