Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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